1 Neefly Ch 5

Chapter 5

Sadriah had gotten super impatient and was worried that her sons had died on their errand and Meehi is frustrated that she might be showing signs of being skeptical about the mind-voice of the Gourd—However, with the return of their sons, Meehi is relieved that Sadriah has finally shut up about her worries—The family is so happy at their safe return that they murder some small animals and celebrate by burning them on a stone altar; the backstory of the animals is not a story that will be told here—Meehi examines the plates —Meehi becomes a little obsessed about his seed, but Neefly explains that he is talking about his future descendants metaphorically, however, awkwardness ensues nonetheless. About 600–592 BCE.

1 And it just so happened that after we had returned to our father, behold, he was filled with relief, and my mother, Sadriah, was glad—and that was a relief for our father who had been the target of her discontent and her much complaining.

2 For she had supposed that we had either died or had gone back to partying in Sebusalem; and she had also been a source of incessant nagging and carrying on to my father, reminding him that he was an addict to the spirits of the Gourd; saying: Behold you have done this to avoid the intervention that we were planning, and my sons are dead or were at least smart enough to stay in Sebusalem, and now we are going to die out here, you moron.

3 And after this manner and mingled with no small amount of foul language, she did complain unto my father.

4 And it just so happened that, upon our return, my father had responded to her, saying: I know that I cling to the mind-voice of the Gourd; for I have received visions from the Gourd, and drinking from the Gourd makes living with you bearable, and had we stayed in Sebusalem, the consequences could possibly have been very bad, or at least super inconvenient for me.

5 And seriously, I have obtained a promise, and believing that our sons have been successful in getting the records from Lebouf brings me to a sure knowledge that my blind faith is secure, and the Gourd has brought them again to us. And now, cease to question Neefly about why he is not sharing the story of how he managed to obtain the book from Lebouf you incorrigible biznatch.

6 And after this manner of shouting, Meehi did comfort my mother, Sadriah, and return her again into submission, upon our return from Sebusalem to obtain the important library book.

7 And also, upon our return, behold the relief of my father was full, for my mother was finally able to shut up about her opinions and she did see that to have faith in the Gourd might be better than to not.

8 And she exclaimed loudly and with exaggerated hand movements, saying: Oh. Now we all see this sure-thing faith business and just because they managed to survive this incredibly important errand of dubious success; how loving is this Gourd Claude who does send my sons into danger in order to demonstrate his omnipotent power. And she did exclaim in a manner almost indistinguishable from sarcasm, but I did not doubt her sincerity.

9 And it just so happened that rejoicing commenced among us and we did kill more small animals and did light them on fire as offerings to the Gourd; and my heart was full of thanks to the Gourd, the External Fraud, that the mysterious murder of Lebouf would likely go unsolved.

10 And after the small animals had been reduced to cinders, my father, Meehi, picked up the book that we had stolen, but which was now ours and which should not be considered stolen from this time forth, and he perused it from the beginning.

11 And he soon realized that it contained the five books of Moser, which spelled out, complete with pictures, a literally mythical and faith-promoting account of the creation of the world, and also a story about the first humans, Andro and Steve, which my father was quick to point out was probably short for Andrew and Stephanie; it being hard to tell since the pictures always had hedges and other such things covering any no-no bits.

12 And it also contained quite a fair bit of rambling about the history of the Sebu people, from the very beginning and even unto the coronation of the Zeekadeeka, king of Sebu;

13 And also some information of and about the holy profits that can be gained by keeping a corporation classified as a religion; and also many profitable things which can come forth from the things from which have come many great and profitable things.

14 And it just so happened that my father, Meehi, also found upon the brass pages several lithographic depictions of family trees and genealogy charts. And lo, my mother Sadriah did take several pieces of papyrus and a chunk of charred wood, and she did make rubbings of the charts. And she did give them unto each of us one of the papyrus and a bit of char. And we did give thanks and did fill out the charts with the names of our parents and grandparents and also we did color them. And we did eat refreshments while our father did continue to read from the book.

15 And it just so happened that my mother called this time “family home evening” and also Zordude did stand a short distance away observing quizzically, but not wanting to draw attention unto himself.

16 And so my father, Meehi, did read many things from the book. And he read also that Lebouf was a descendant of the originators of the book, for which reason he and his father and his father’s father, and so on, had been the keepers of the record. And I, Neefly, did quickly change the subject and did hand the Gourd unto my father.

17 And when my father had drunk deeply from the Gourd, he began to seem greatly filled and he was opened to the mind-voice of the Gourd and began to exclaim awkwardly regarding his seed— which I was quick to explain to Zordude that “seed” was actually referring to my father’s off-spring and future descendants.

18 And he did declare that these records would eventually go forth via an interconnected network of some kind unto all kinds of people and nations and some of which would be of his seed—which, again, is referring to his descendants, but Zordude seemed creeped out that my father kept using that word.

19 And he continued on saying that this book of pages of brass would never perish; which in retrospect is kind of obvious since the book isn’t actually alive, but before anyone could ask for clarification, he launched right into many more things concerning his seed and eventually the “seed” thing began to be awkward to everyone and not just Zordude.

20 But thus far, I should really make a point to anyone reading this who might be having trouble getting past issues like, “So what about Lebouf?” and, “What’s up with your father and seed issues?” I would like to point out that I and my father have always kept the commandments whereunto forthwith the Gourd has commanded us. And that makes us above reproach and if you’re having any issues, you should learn to doubt your doubts and stop focusing on things of little to no importance.

21 For we had gotten our hands on the records which the Gourd had commanded us and found that they were delicious to the taste and very desirable; yep, even of significant monetary value, insomuch that we could manage to turn this whole thing into a large-scale religion.

22 Therefore, the Gourd had chosen us to remove the records from those generations that had worked so hard to maintain them that we might take them with us on our journey through these deserted lands even unto a land that the Gourd promised us would be ours for the taking.